The cylon in him
by LaurandBill-DestinyLove
Summary: Saul Tigh and Laura Roslin in argument which leads to Saul's decision about the cylon in him.


- I don't agree with you, Colonel. To place the bases here is too risky- we can't expect from the soldiers to take so big risk only in order to investigate. There must be another option to reach the volcano.

- Yes, another option, after 3-4 months walking through the jungle. Smart.

- We've waited 4 years for this, we can survive a couple of months.

- Yeah… we waited…. I will not wait only because you need to babysit the fleet. It's obvious that your waiting didn't lead to anything.

Laura turned pale but recovered quickly- after 2 weeks of roaming helplessly over the nuked "promised land" the insults were appearing more and more often and the patience was slipping away. Nothing was right, nothing was clear, noone was hopeful. Every new day was destroying new hope, bringing more desperation, clouding the mind even of the strongest ones, like Colonel Saul Tigh.

There was no need to be courteous anymore. The anger was the only way to show his disappointment- from Earth, from The President and from himself- the cylon, who desperately wanted to be a human.

To survive in a world of lies and ruined hopes was hard, but to survive knowing that you, your very soul is a lie, was impossible. And did he have a soul actually? Saul wasn't sure in anything. He didn't even know to what to direct his anger. He could hate the humans, but he wanted to be a part of them. He could hate the Gods, but he didn't believe in them. He could hate the cylons, but he was one of them. He could hate Earth… but it was their home now. their. The home of the cylons and humans. Which "their" Saul belonged to? "Their" as in "their, the cylon's" or "their" as in "their, the human's"?

And then he knew whom to hate. He hated Lee. For not pushing the button of the airlock. He hated Ellen. For saving him from the jail on New Caprica. He hated Bill. For returning on New Caprica. He hated Galactica. For jumping away after the holocaust.

He hated every missed opportunity to die.

He. The machine who hated itself. The human who killed his wife. The friend who betrayed a friend. The leader who disappointed everyone. He. Who couldn't decide where to go and what to do with himself. With itself. What was he? Was it "he" or rather "it"?

Saul Tigh has always been true to himself. He never denied who he is. Now, for a first time in his life, he denied himself. No, he wasn't denying "himself", he denied "itself" It wasn't hurt what he felt after that denial. He couldn't be hurt. He didn't have a reason. He was Colonel Tigh, the second in command on Battlestar Galactica. The cylon in himself could just shut up. And go to Hell.

Laura watched him patiently to stop staring in the monitor and start talking again. She didn't see the Admiral approaching them. Saul saw him. And felt happy. Felt human. There was one creature left in the universe who reminded him of his human nature. And it was Bill Adama. No revelation, no frakking music could take this away from him.

- The fact that she is good for frak doesn't make her good for planning a military operation, Bill. So why don't you just tell her to go away and stop pissing me off?

A quick, sharp and really painful slap. A red mark on his cheek. A wave of joy in his soul. Because he had a soul. And he felt good- guilty, angry, ashamed, in pain. Human emotions. And he was capable of experiencing them.

Colonel Tigh saw the President leaving CIC. He felt the sharp look on The Admiral's face- half angry, half amused. Saul shrugged – he has always been unceremonious with Bill's girlfriends. Nothing new.

Later he would go in Bill's quarters and apologize:

He hadn't sleep for 3 nights. He whad been tired. He had been nervous. He'd lost his temper. Humans make mistakes. He is sorry. He hopes she will go and approve the operation to the volcano.

And Laura would smile and forgive him. After all, he was just a human. He deserved a second chance. The cylon in him would never speak.


End file.
